As a child and adolescent therapist, I regularly work with children who have been through some tough stuff: severe neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and other extreme situations. I also have the privilege of working with the beautiful souls who graciously agree to take these kiddos into their homes and care for them as they would their own: foster parents, guardians, or maybe an aunt or a set a grandparents. The act of caring for a child who has experienced serious hardships and dangers comes with a hefty price tag: high rates of anxiety and depression, sometimes behavioral concerns or aggression, sometimes difficulties in school, and the reality that you may likely be sitting in the waiting room of a therapists' office every week for the foreseeable future. I can only imagine how daunting this must feel, and so to you, I write my best words of encouragement.
I know it can seem like things aren't getting anywhere. You bring your foster child to therapy every week for months and it feels like nothing's changing. You have them on medications, but as we all know, that can only do so much. The time is passing, you're doing all the right things, you're ready to see improvements, to see them making better grades at school, to see them being happier, to see them getting along with other people....and yet everything is moving at glacier speed.
Take heart, you are doing the right thing, it just takes time, as frustrating as that is to hear. Anytime I'm working with children who have experienced things like abuse and neglect, I like to reassure parents that it is normal for things to be moving slowly. And in the greater scope of things, it makes sense. Let's say your foster child finally gets removed from the custody of their abusive and/or neglectful parent at the age of 8. That is 8 solid years of maltreatment, which can lead to some of the most severe mental health concerns, occurring at the most sensitive and developmentally progressive period in the whole lifespan. It makes sense that it takes a proportionate amount of positive environment and treatment to make up for lost time.
When a child has been neglected or abused, they have not been able to trust that their parent will take care of them and they've had to fend for themselves and protect themselves in a lot of ways. Maybe they had to hoard food or other things because they might not have known if the next meal was coming. They might have learned to do anything and everything to stay out of trouble, including lying or covering things up, if getting in trouble meant getting severely physically punished. They learned that showing anger or sadness or fear didn't bring help, but more rejection from the people who were supposed to care about them the most. With that in mind, it makes sense when they tell me, "well if my Mom, who's supposed to care about me more than anyone, didn't care about me enough to take care of me, why would anybody else."
When their brains learn these tricks for survival early on, it keeps doing those same things over and over, even when the threat is no longer there or they are living with a safe family, because its what their mind has learned is the fail-safe plan; its what they learned works. The problem is those habitual reactions are good for survival, but not for healthy social functioning or building good relationships later on, and that's what you're seeing now in the acting out, or anger outbursts, or lying, or stealing, or withdrawal. Sometimes its an unhealthy way of trying to feel in-control, because things felt so out of control in the past.
Overall, the key with kids who have experienced abuse and neglect, is...you guessed it... patience. With their ability to trust in other humans having been violated, it can take a considerable amount of time, months even, for a person who has experienced those things, to finally build up enough trust in someone, whether it's a family member, friend, teacher, counselor, or anyone, to even begin to feel comfortable talking about their past. Sometimes the first 6 months of treatment with a child who has been abused or neglected can be strictly about them getting to know me, and me proving to them that I will unconditionally accept them as a person, no matter how hard they resist, or test, make mistakes, or avoid.
The good news is that if we can get through this first stage...the TRUST stage, and they are able to TRUST me, or anyone, then that's when the real magic can begin to happen. Some kids who have been abused or neglected do the very opposite; rather than being oppositional, they are overly compliant, wanting to please me to avoid being rejected again. There's usually the one person who these kids might begin acting out around. While this is frustrating, this is great news!! If it's you, it means they have grown to trust you enough to know you will still care about them even if they make a mistake. They TRUST YOU, and again, that's when the real magical transformations can begin to occur.
In spite of the challenges and pitfalls that come along with the journey of serving as a foster parent, I want to be someone to THANK-YOU for what you are doing in the life of a child!! They might not ever actually thank-you, but what you are doing can literally mean everything. It's beautiful to witness and its an honor to walk with you.
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