“The best proof of love is trust.”
In mainstream parenting resources, ‘attachment parenting’ is presented as a specific TYPE of parenting that you can choose to use if you want. While the ‘attachment parenting’ information out there has a lot of truth to it, it’s frankly only a piece of the larger picture that is attachment development.
The process of attachment development was first identified and labeled back in the 1950s and ‘60s by renowned psychiatrist John Bowlby. Even after being researched countless times and in thousands of studies, what he theorized almost six decades ago was so on-point that it still holds up to this day.
In the child development fields, psychiatrists, child development professionals, psychologist, researchers, parenting experts, therapists, and even educators no longer view attachment as just a theory, but a factual, undeniable element of the human experience. As a child and adolescent therapist, if I don’t consider and assess my patients’ attachment history and development, I’m not doing my job…it’s THAT essential; however, the understanding of it that I often gather from parents, if they’ve even heard of attachment, is only little pieces here and there.
A screen shot of my latest search results from my university's library database on 'attachment theory' and scholarly peer-reviewed sources. This search return OVER 75,000 studies pertaining to attachment theory being applied not only to parent-child relationships, but to adult relationships, clinical treatment, school performance to name just a few, and even to things like patterns of Facebook self-disclosures and video gaming behaviors!!
So here’s 3 facts about attachment development to help clear things up….
1. YOU CAN’T OPT OUT.
Attachment development, whether you call it by the popular name ‘attachment parenting’ or just attachment, cannot be opted out of. It’s not a path to be chosen, but rather, a blueprint for how parent-child relationships are intended to unfold. It is instinctive behavior that is hard-wired in our brains and etched into our DNA.
You cannot choose whether you will engage in attachment parenting or not. Your child will develop an attachment relationship with you regardless of any specific parenting model you choose to follow. It will happen regardless of whether you wear your baby in a sling, co-sleep with them, or breastfeed them.
All you have control over, and this is important, is whether this bond will be secure or insecure, with the secure type being the one that we are aiming for to ensure healthy development. (More about specific things you can do to promote secure attachment in a future post.)
I’ve heard parents say, “one of my friends is doing that attachment parenting thing, but I don’t plan to do that.” This is an impossible statement. The reality of attachment development has been so established through research that every single child over the age of about 10 months (without a developmental disorder) can be classified, through psychological testing, into one of just four categories, which I will go into further detail on in a later post. And not only that, but our attachment history carries on with us throughout our lives, strongly influencing how we function within relationships and how we parent ourselves one day. If you are reading this post, it means you are a living human and therefore can be classified into one of four categories of attachment orientation as an adult, and this orientation is directly tied to the relationship you formed with your primary caregiver (in most cases, your mother) growing up.
Basically, parent-child relationships=attachment development. You can’t have one without the other.
2. Secure Attachment Development Affects (just about) Everything
Here’s a few things that healthy attachment impacts in childhood AND later in life:
Emotional development: Kids who have secure attachment bonds tend to be able to regulate their emotions, identify and express their feelings in healthy ways, and feel less anxious and depressed. They are also more able to empathize with others.
Social development: Kids with secure attachment bonds tend to get along better with their peers, have deeper and healthier relationships with others, and function better in interaction with others.
- Cognitive development: Kids with secure attachment bonds tend to have better relationships with their teachers and feel more secure in taking on challenges that lead to higher learning.
- Mental Health: Kids with secure attachment bonds are at a much lower risk of future mental health disorders, including, but not limited to, mood disorders, behavioral disorders, addictive disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, and depression.
- Brain Development: Kids who have secure attachment bonds have been found to have increased development in pre-frontal cortex functioning, which allows for improved critical thinking skills.
3. It all boils down to TRUST.
In my experience of talking about attachment with parents, it seems when most people hear the term 'attachment,' they imagine a mother with her baby wrapped close to her chest at all times, who breastfeeds on-demand, and who co-sleeps with her baby at night, among other things.
Don’t get me wrong!! These are all things that could certainly play a role in helping to form a secure attachment bond, but these actions are not what ATTACHMENT is, in and of itself. They are simply steps towards security of attachment, but they are not the CORE of what attachment is.
Attachment = TRUST. That’s it. TRUST.
It’s your baby’s ability to TRUST that you will be there for him when he is in need. Babies are completely at the mercy of their primary caregiver for survival, so it is essential that they have at least ONE adult caregiver that they can TRUST unconditionally; otherwise, they are left fearful and helpless, feeling like they can't depend on someone to protect them, feed them, and love them. When they are able to TRUST that their person (you) will be there, you’ve done it! That’s it!
To note, meeting their needs does not only mean providing physical protection from harm and food, it also includes social and emotional needs, such as someone being able to pick-up on their emotions and someone spending affectionate time with them (including holding, rocking, and physical contact). I will cover more specific ways to promote attachment security in a future post.
The bottom line here is that attachment is a universal process that every human being goes through and is a product of. It has major, life-long implications for a person’s well being, and it is not solely defined by a small set of parental behaviors, but by the overarching idea of TRUST. Just because a person wears their baby in a sling does not mean that they have formed a secure attachment relationship with their child, just as the reverse is true. The majority of people (about 66%) form secure attachment relationships with their children everyday, with many never even owning a baby wrap. Because at the end of the day, it’s about the quality of your relationship, which is not a set of action steps, but a felt experience.
Disclaimer: NOT knocking baby-wearing, breast-feeding, or co-sleeping (in a dock-a-tot or in a bedside bassinet) at all in this post. Quite the opposite, I believe all are SUPER awesome things that I, myself, 100% plan to do when I (hopefully) have a baby of my own.
Disclaimer #2: If you find yourself being concerned about any topics discussed on the ENROOT blog in your personal life with your child, please seek out a professional of your own to evaluate your individual needs and develop a plan to assist you and your child.
HOPE THIS WAS HELPFUL!!
PLEASE COMMENT DOWN BELOW WITH ANY SPECIFIC QUESTIONS YOU HAVE ABOUT ATTACHMENT!!